Great Football Is About Great Players Playing Great Football...

In light of how Oakland Raiders' owner, the mercurial Al Davis, fired head coach Lane Kiffin in a scene that could have come straight out of the film "Conspiracy Theory," (starring the also-mercurial Mel Gibson) let's have some fun with an out-there hypothetical that-- given Davis's whacked-out, fragile mental state-- could actually be feasible:

You know that guy, Frank Caliendo? Of course you do, at least if you're a baseball fan. He's been on TBS once every 14.3 seconds during the playoffs now for the past two years. You'd know him as a football fan, too-- he's John Madden. A dead-ringer, right down to the guffaws, to the nonsensical, generic pigskin yammering, to the ongoing man-crush with Brett Favre: "Here's what I know about FieldTurf: you see, half the field is real, and half the field is fake-- but, but Brett Favre... is all real."

What if Frank Caliendo-- er, John Madden, who a hall-of-fame coach who once upon a time worked for Davis-- showed up in Oaktown and Network Associates Coliseum (or whatever they're calling that stadium now), and marched into Davis's office on a bombastic, booming roll? I think Big Al would have stars in his eyes, reliving the days of Jim Plunkett, Jack Tatum, and Kenny Stabler-- it would be the glory days of the 1970's all over again, with Madden at the helm... only, it would be a guy in a bad wig and fake orange eyebrows spouting out these pearls of wisdom:

"The way we get to the Super Bowl is if we tackle well... we block well... we run the ball well, we pass the ball well, we kick the ball well... and we snap the ball well. If we do all those things well... that's when the Oakland Raiders will do well."

"JaMarcus Russell, here's a guy as a quarterback who when he throws the ball deep, big gains are going to happen. He's got all kinds of talent, and before all is said and done, he'll have more hardware than Ace-Is-The-Place..."

"Y'know, BOOM! Our linemen have to stuff those holes fast-- and, and with authority... like I do when at Thanksgiving, stuff a chicken into the cavity of a duck... and then stuff that into the cavity of a turkey... and make the delicious Madden meal now known the world over as 'Turducken.'"

"We've got the talent to be a talented team, and if we make the playoffs, that'll prove that we're a playoff caliber team in this AFC West... and to play in the AFC West with the Broncos, the Chargers, and, and Kansas City, you've, uh... you've got to be a talented team."

Hey Al, if you can hire and fire Art Shell twice, we're not ruling out a second reign of Madden on the sidelines... even if the guy doesn't REALLY know a post pattern from a post office.